Slighty Offensive Funnies

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why are men like parking spaces ?
Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third
grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick."

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"